Jesus Christ - He holds my hands, and yours too.

One regret was not spending more quality time with Dad before it was too late.
Dad and mum looking rather joyful during Chinese New Year back in 2009.
But God has a time for everything. 

Dad, Family and God
My dad passed away in May 2013. From August 2012 (the point on where he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer) to his passing in May 2013, one thing that came out refined was my Faith in Jesus. God also allowed me to learn about His Love and loving my dad in the most intimate way I have experienced. I have been guilty of leaving it too late to Love my Dad. I thank God even though He took Dad away, He gave me time to learn to love someone whom I have always taken for granted. My prayer is that for anyone reading this, go back home, and love your parents. They will be gone someday. Be sure to have Loved them while you still can.

My concept of family is rather empty, having grown up in what I consider a dysfunctional family (most families are dysfunct in their own unique ways). I grew up seldom seeing my dad, I only knew he was working hard and long hours to provide for the family's expenses. There were alot of lessons to be learnt, and about time. I'm thankful to God for being my strong tower in the past season. Even though I'm the only Christian at home, I believe God showed He was here, and is still here with my family today. Today, God has given me his concept of Love and family, on a deeper level.

Why does a Good God allow Suffering to Good people?
The one question many people ask today is "Why does a good God allow suffering to good people?" I wasn't asking that mainly because of my own meditations on the book of Job in the bible. Essentially, Job was a righteous man who kept to all religious rites and was an upright person in all his dealings. The story was that Satan made a wager with God, taunting God that it was because Job was blessed in riches and his family by God. Taking all of it away, as Satan said, and Job would turn his back on God.

As we know it, Job's faith came through even though all his children died and he lost his wealth and possessions. One greatest mystery of Faith I could never fathom was that at exactly the point where tragedy happened. The Bible recorded that Job tore his robe, fell down and WORSHIPPED God. Similarly, in the book of Daniel, when people plotted to kill Daniel's life and he got news of it, Daniel went to his upper room and GAVE THANKS to God as he did everyday.

Job 1:20-22
New International Version (NIV)

20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[a]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

I knew God was preparing me for something ahead. Jesus didn't promise that bad things wouldn't happen if we keep to his rules and be good. He promised us that He will always be there with us when everything happens.(In the Bible Jesus would be called Emmanuel, which means "God with us")

A quick glance of timeline and my thoughts and feelings through the process:
August 2012: Dad went for yearly medical checkup as per his work requirements. Doctors found 3 tiny spots in his Lungs and scheduled him for further tests. I was still very much absorbed in my undergraduate studies in Chemistry and was undergoing my final year project. It didn't even occur in the slightest bit that a crisis was about to hit. On normal days, I would receive texts from my dad saying:"mum didn't cook today, eat out." I didn't reply to any of those texts, schooling and being busy was my excuses. I could tell Dad was visibly worried, and I encouraged him to still go for the tests, casually remarking that: "Don't worry, medical technology are advanced these days. It shouldn't be anything serious. Even if serious, there's always a cure."

October 2012: Dad confirmed by the doctor that there are 3 tumours in his lungs. The news rocked the family. Immediately we were worried at the extent of illness. Was it aggressive? I accompanied dad during that month for endoscopy, where they took cell samples from Dad's lungs for tests. I remember one of the days I disappointed Dad because I was struggling in my Final Year Project and I was just simply too tired to accompany him (although later he understood). I honestly thought I know how to Love Dad at this point in time, having been a Christian for almost 5 years. I knew, well in theory, most of  the requirements about loving. In fact, God was going to teach me where exactly I fell short. Doctors immediately arranged for Radiotherapy sessions and kickstarted a scramble in the family as we were at total loss how to handle this crisis.

November 2012: My Sister accompanied Dad to see the oncologist, who broke the news that Dad was suffering from late stage Lung Cancer. My sister recalled when we spoke later on that :"what am I supposed to do? I just cried when the doctor told Dad in his face that he had cancer and has only a year to live." Dad could not believe it either. He remarked he was looking so healthy and putting on weight due to eating well. His company suspended him from work and he was still very much worried about losing his job, even at the stage of cancer he was at. Honestly, my world came crashing down at this point in time. I was at a loss. I remember ringing up my Undergrad studies coordinator Jenny and said:"Jenny, my dad came down with cancer, I think I want to take a break from my studies." Jenny was calm and said: "Come to office tomorrow and we will discuss." Jenny was one of my major source of encouragement in studies as she calmed me down the next day, advising me to press on through my last hurdle before graduation, saying it would be a stupid decision to give up my studies at that point of time. How right she was.

December 2012: The doctor conducted further tests and we found a glimmer of hope. Dad's cancer cells showed response to something called EGFP or ETRF, meaning it could be controlled by a chemotherapy drug called the "Iressa". This orange pill was going to cost SGD$120 per day and $3,600 a month, far more than what Dad was earning at the point of time. Dad I suspected somehow knew the seriousness of his own condition and remarked that he didn't want it as it would be costly and that it was going to be "dragging time only". We were very worried about finances. I had just graduated without a job. Sister was the only one holding a job. Mum is a housewife and Dad can't work in this state. We frantically spoke to social workers, and checked insurance policies that Dad has. Thankfully, Dad bought a private insurance though his Medisave. I didn't have any financial knowledge back then, but now I do as an aftermath of the situation. In Singapore, Medisave is a safety net the government set up for Singaporeans to take care of their healthcare needs. Dad was really lucky he bought such a private plan back in 2006. This was going to cover bulk of his hefty treatment costs and also allow us to not worry about finances at least. Accompanying dad on one of his follow-up treatments later in the month, I could tell that the condition was taking its toll on Dad. There was once we saw a bus and I asked if he wanted to make a run. He said he was out of breathe even just walking.

January to March 2013: Doctors said his tumours appear to be shrinking. Everyone was relieved in some ways following what was a scramble for months. What we didn't realise was that Dad's situation was going to deterorate very fast within the next few months. Honestly, I really felt we were responsible for Dad's condition to worsen so fast. Firstly, we had no idea how to allow dad to eat nutritious food. This meant that he was always tired and also growing weaker. He lost almost 15kg in this 3 months. I thought I was making an effort to spend quality time with Dad, tuning on tv his favourite shows, speaking with him on a daily basis. During this time, Dad was starting to sleep more and more due to the effects of painkillers he took due to his pain worsening in his spine. Doctors said that the cancer has exposed his nerves in bones and those were causing frequent chilling and throbbing pain. There was nothing we could do on some days while I saw Dad grimacing in pain on the bed, except to pray it would go away.

My first Emmanuel Moment - April 2013
Dad had been panting in his room and we didn't know what was going on. Morning came on the 16th, and we knew something was wrong. Dad couldn't sit up by his bed as he usually could. He was also breathing heavily. We called the ambulance and he was rushed to hospital. At the A&E, we were told Dad contracted Pneumonia and was in a critical condition. We were not allowed to see him until hours later even though that was the case and mum also had a panic attack and passed out on hearing the news from A&E doctors saying Dad might not make it pass that night as his organs showed signs of failing. Finally my sister and I took turns to see dad (we thought for the last time) as he quickly said some sort of farewell words as doctors asked whether Dad wanted to go into an ICU, stating clearly that he might not make it out alive. Dad decided not to and the alternative was to pray and hope that the antibiotics would work in his body with his already weakened immune system and that he would make it.

I didn't know what else to do then to go somewhere alone where I cried out to God in anguish: "God! You cannot take Dad away now! I forbid you to!" And then I bargained knowing Life and Death was in His hands, not mine: "God, havent you said (Throwing His own words at Him from Romans 10:14) I was supposed to share about You to my family??! You haven't gave me the chance to! I have been waiting, all these years! You cannot take Dad away before that!"

Romans 10:14
New International Version (NIV)

14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?

God's Clear answer from Psalm 145
I can't explain why God gave me this passage but a few of the verses reminded me of God's faithfulness, compassion and his trustworthiness. And He assured me that He is good to all He has made. I reasoned that Dad is whom God has also made and He would hear my prayers that very night. The words highlighted in red below speaks to my heart.

Psalm 145
New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 145[a]
A psalm of praise. Of David.

1 I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever.

2 Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever.

3 Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.

4 One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.

5 They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty— and I will meditate on your wonderful works.[b]

6 They tell of the power of your awesome works— and I will proclaim your great deeds.

7 They celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

8 The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

9 The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.

10 All your works praise you, Lord; your faithful people extol you.

11 They tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might,

12 so that all people may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.[c]
14 The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.

15 The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.

16 You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

20 The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.

21 My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

Dad was warded and pulled through that very night that I stayed behind to accompany him. I remember praying every now and then and also checking whether he was still breathing from time to time. His coughs were assurance that he was, still there. Morning came and as I prayed and give thanks as God reminded at the end of the Psalm 145, God asked :"So, what are you going to do now?"

The next one week really brought me and dad closer as we spent alot of time to talk and also help him with his activities daily as he grew weaker. He was starting to sleep alot more due to the side effects of Morphine which he took to alleviate his pain.

Finally on the last day before he was discharged I shared about God in the Prodigal Son from the book of Luke. Dad didn't receive Christ on the spot although I did ask him what did he think of God and how he awaits for people to return to Him just like the Prodigal's Father. (I will not know if Dad is in heaven with God until I meet Him face to face.) What I do know is that this is between Him and God, and I have done what I could to make known to Him what happened. How I prayed that night when I thought Dad was going to pass away. I told Dad that God wanted me to speak with him. IF dad had indeed passed away that night, I cannot imagine the hurt it would have been to my mum especially, not even having the chance to say goodbyes properly. It might have just torn us apart.

One week of quality time, Short in quantity but...
The week following Dad was home, we were elated. we brought food daily which was his favourite and also watched shows with him. It was also one of the most intimate times I grew towards my dad. It was as if we were making up for loss time due to years of his work and also me being busy in studies. How does it feel for one to bathe his own dad, feed, care for and engage him? I will forever remember this short week.

The only thing for concern we saw was that Dad's leg was swelling up visibly. Doctors said it was due to his critical condition earlier where he had pneumonia. It had affected his kidneys' function. Dad was going to be warded again....

One week of tempers flying around...
Dad was hospitalised and although we visited him every single day, he wouldn't eat much. We thought he was having mood swings as the illness had sometimes caused him to be in bad moods. I remember one day I was upset with him because I wanted him to get well and he refused to eat. Later on he would tell me that it's not because he doesn't want to eat. It's because he cannot. By this time, the whole family was emotionally and physically drained shuttling to and fro. It was really understandable why we flared at times.

The time came when it took a turn for the worst: the final week
Out of the blue one day, Doctors told me that Dad's kidneys were failing. And It was a Sign, that he would be passing away soon. I cried bitterly, and that night we scrambled to arrange Dad to be brought home as he mentioned that he wanted to pass away at home. Social workers spoke again with us to prepare us mentally and also to help us arrange the necessary equips such as medication.

I never understood why I took up chemistry. It helped in this situation where I was very experienced and not afraid of syringes and needles having handled alot of them in my Chemistry course. I was the best candidate out of my family to administer injections for my dad. This was another area God really provided. The following evening Dad was going to take the ambulance home. By now, his speech has become slurry and difficult to make out what he was saying. But he knew that he was going home. I still made out what he said to the drivers :"Bukit Batok" (where we lived). helping to close the ambulance door, I heard a voice saying: "The next vehicle would be a casket. (meaning dad would pass away)" I started crying uncontrollably while we made the journey home. At times, dad would start asking if we reached but we were stuck in the traffic jam at peak hour.

One of the little ways God provided for a medical bed at home was that it was brand new. Dad did comment that he didnt want to sleep on an old bed someone used before. Somehow we managed to rent a brand new one even though it wasn't pre-arranged and last minute as well.

The following week we took turns to keep watch with dad, I needed to administer painkillers every 4 hours and also to help bathe dad on the bed with mum. It wasn't easy and at times, I lost my patience as me and mum struggled to help dad.

Relatives visited to bid farewells. Dad could no longer speak after coming home. He could only wake up and look around the house, mostly looking at the clock and not being able to control his movements anymore. We still knew he can hear and respond to us in simple ways.

When the time came, mum woke my sister and me who were napping. Saying Dad has been awake for very long and looking at her. We asked if Dad wanted to go (for although we didnt want him to go, part of us wanted to see him liberated from suffering). And we held his hand, I remember praying to God that moment saying: "God, I have done what you have told me to, and also thank you for allowing me an extended time with Dad. If you want to take him now, you can."

Jesus Christ, I have never been so sure as now that He holds my hands. He will hold yours too. If you allow Him to.