Draws me closer yet.. don't let me go

I'm truly amazed by how God has really brought me thus far in life. And listening to fellow brothers and sisters' struggles as they journey their walk with God really affirms my faith, and renews, while reminding me that God is around me, with me and with the people around me.

I am going to be baptized soon in December 6th 2009!! YAY! Thank God. :D

At many a times I feel defeated in life. I feel unworthy, totally disappointed with myself, disgusted, about who I am, and what I ought to be. I feel ashamed to face God sometimes for failing to live by His commandments. But hey, that's why I truly need God in my life. It is because I am not perfect, that I need God to guide and discipline me. In fact, NO one, not a single one of us is perfect just as the scripture has revealed in:

"all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"
Romans 3:23

God knows, and He did not leave us. In fact he loved us so much to have made a plan for us that each one of us, however imperfect, can and will return to Him, and in Him, made imperfectly perfect.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

Not because we do anything to deserve such love, just like how a parent would care for a son/daughter, God loves us, however worthless we feel we are, however wrong the things we have done, however unworthy we are, however imperfect we are.

I'm recently re-accessing my life journey with God and am greatly reminded of something n my life:

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21

Firstly, I ask myself, do I love God? If I do what is that out of? You see, I was affected greatly when I asked myself this, because Jesus said in John 14:21 "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me." Have I kept and abided in His commandment for me? I will like to think this 2 greatest commandments are:

1) "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Mark 12:30
"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

2) The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:31

Now, what does it mean to Love God your Lord with all heart, all your soul, all your mind, all your strength? We should recognise that God is the Lord of our lives, and by calling Him our Lord, we place our life's decision making in Him, abiding by His will. And LOVE God. Not just simply love, but it is elaborated in such a detailed way. Heart + Soul + mind + strength... which is in fact everything we have.. loving God not just stays on your lips but should flow deep into knowing God with our hearts, worshiping Him in truth and Spirit (with soul), Minds so that we consciously know who we are depending on and all of our strength (it requires effort).

And the second is loving our neighbours as ourselves. Have we even had our hearts moved to help people in need around us? Some we may know, some we may not know, but Jesus calls us to love others just like how we will love ourselves. Treating people with love that is befitting of the love we have of ourselves. It is indeed a hard thing to do.

I truly give thanks to God, even if there are things not going to what I want in life, but I give thanks for the people He has put around me as a reminder of His love, and Him working through my life, however imperfect I am. I have had the honour to learn about God in the most amazing ways I never have thought of.

Some of the things He brought me through may have hurt me but He sustained me and brought me through each and every of them. He brings me closer to Him, sometimes He has to drag me but I am just at peace knowing He is working in my life.

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."

He has promised that we will find Him if we truly search for Him. I pray that you too will find Him working through in your life.

Where is all the JOY?

After being a christian for 4 years, recently I'm undergoing really troubled times. Is it because I have not followed God close enough? What has gone wrong? How has it gone wrong? Where has things gone wrong?

A lot of doubts start seeping through my mind as out of my 4 years with God, this is the year I'm treating it seriously, as in, my faith and relationship with God more seriously than my previous 3 years. I see it as a learning point everytime I "suffer" in some sense, telling myself, its something God puts me through to mould me.

Where has all the joy of living as a Christian and enjoying my relationship as God's child all gone to? Am I living it all right? Or is there more to things that meet the eye?

I confess to God that a lot of times I crumble under pressure and give in to the easy way out. I have been too slack in studies, and that explains my poor results. When something goes wrong, I'm quick to find explanations, reasons for things gone wrong.

In reality, are we sometimes living in self-denial when things are obviously not the way they are? Forever I can find 101 reasons to convince myself I'm correct and on the right path. But yet, God shows and reveals the heart of man.

I cannot find Joy because deep down, I have not allowed God to change my life to the fullest extent He can and I'm holding on to things I'm just not willing to let go. But all these have to go, I have to change, and about time too.

God gives us free-will and unless we make that effort to WILLINGLY change and let our lives be entrusted to Him and transformed, we cant. We simply cant by our own efforts do something we were not made to do. My life will not make a change just by knowing what's wrong. I have to make a conscious decision to change and allow God to change me.

^"25The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:25

Am I willing to let Go? Yes.
Have I let go fully 100% now? No.

This is a big major problem for me, as I grapple and bargain with God for things which do not belong to me. Who is the Lord of my life? Is it me myself? Or God? Does not all I "have" come from He who knows me better than I am? What then is stopping me from fully surrendering what's not even mine in the 1st place to God?

The Joy a christian ought to be enjoying out of his walk with God is from God. and until I can truly grasp that I cannot be joyful, for I am constantly trying to fill up the "joy" with things in the world.

Have u, like me, been sapped from the joy we ought to enjoy as God's children, Let me pray for our sakes that we find true Joy in God. The true joy I have just found goes back to the very first day I accepted Christ.

I was happy, knowing my sins were redeemed in Him, I know my life is in His hands. I was happy.. just plain happy to know He works in my life.

Father Lord,
I'm so sorry for always finding excuses for myself.
I know deeply that true Joy should come from knowing you,
for there are many things that give momentarily happiness but
does not give the true joy I should be enjoying.
Help me, Lord, to be realeased from my thoughts and bondages,
that I may live a life surrendered to You, and so rightfully find joy
in doing so.

Lord, you give and take away, all that I have comes from you,
and I want to trust in You to be the Lord of my life.
I truly give thanks to You Lord, for dragging me along so many a times
I just feel like giving up. Thank You for reminding me of the initial Joy
of knowing You. May this Joy and peace be with me, whereever I will go
and till the very end of the days till I meet you..

Amen