One would have written off the church to be built upon these 12 people Jesus handpicked. But the church thrives today, 2000 years later. Speaking of bad things seem to be so bad that some people elevated them to the position of "Saints". People speak far more of the disciples' amazing abilities to cast out demons, prophesise, heal the sick in Jesus' Name. Yet, people play down the fact that there are so many times these disciples failed Jesus. E.g Peter denying the Lord 3 times, the disciples abandoning Christ's mission after His crucification to go back to fishing, Yes, fishing. And many more.
The Bible, with all its glory tells of the disciples' bare weaknesses, and they did not try to hide any of their flaws simply because it was what made Jesus so important among them.
In my more than mundane and humanistic walk with God many a times, I'm not perfect, I'm not holy, I'm unworthy and there is a feeling that happens sometimes that is best described in the following line:
"I don't feel like praying right now"
Whenever we don't feel like praying could be the time we need to pray most. Perhaps someone ever told you that. Why wouldn't we feel like talking to the Lord? I thought about it in the closest scenario I would find myself in in our reality:
An angry child doesn't want to talk to his parents because of various reason(s), so he's putting up walls.
Life as a Christian isn't a piece of cake. It's something that has occurred to me as easy to say and hard to put into practice. Dealing with emotions and hurts is part of the growing up process because God knows in endurance we produce preserverence, and through it all, Patience to await in the Lord. And how is patience an unremovable part of the equation of our walk.
Sometimes I just wished things would go my way for not needing to pay the price for it. It sounds all too good to be true. In life, we can succeed only if we work hard. And rightly so, because God destined for Man to enjoy to fruits of his own labour as a reward and blessing.
God may be silent, but he is the initiator of our relationship with Him, always. There's a saying that we can run but we can't hide. This is so true that sometimes I feel like this child having a bad day and saying :"why Dad? Why isn't things going to plan?" and going on a little cold war.
Yet, I may have sealed my heart, but deep within a part of me still yearns to cling to Him and shout praise still for His work in my life. And I can sense His presence assuring as always.
"It's okay to start anew. Because I had to show you your limits, so you would learn to depend on Me."
God couldn't show me just how proud and conceited my heart was without breaking it. Yet He loves me too much to not provide it a way out to start out on a new adventure ahead by replacing it with his Glory.
My life is too small and selfish a thing to live for. I need to start to Live for Him.. again =)
My prayer out there for people who feel the same like me, Pray when you don't feel like, cause it's when we need it most. It's not about the amount of words said to God, but rather knowing that He knows what we are going through.
Even a silent prayer of feelings will not go unheard.
p.s Leeland is one worship band I came across recently, and songs is one way that crystallises how I feel at times, because songs allow me to feel that I'm felt for and people feel sometimes the same as I do. Introducing one of their songs I like, I never heard a version of Via Dolorosa that goes like theirs. Dedicate it to our Father in Heaven.
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