Looking through today, the retreat wasn't exactly planned. I had a meeting in the morning. But by afternoon after the meeting was over, my heart was too burdened to carry on. I could pinpoint that to a bit of self doubt and esteem attack happening to me as I struggle to put studies for my quizzes and ministry together as well as carving the spiritual discipline I so badly lack in my Spiritual Walk with Jesus.
I guess when I couldn't carry on anymore, Jesus was still there to pick me up. I re-looked at a verse that spoke again to me today (John chapter 21), where God was re-instating Peter for having lost his focus on Jesus and also denied Him 3 times. There and then I sat at the empty seat in front of me, sipping my ice mocha as I prayed for Jesus's presence. Sometimes, I really feel my heart and mind is so pre-occupied with the work on hand I cannot focus on Jesus.
I wanted to seek help for alot of questions. But I began on the wrong side of the mind. I started from myself. I wanted to know how the verse will speak to me in today's time, in today's struggle. Perhaps it was more correct to look to Jesus, which I did and there and then after I ranted everything out, I felt Jesus asking me each line of my complaint: "Yes, my child, I know you are troubled.. but do you Love me more than these? Do you Love me?"
Focusing on the Lord really makes all the "problems" seem unimportant at that moment, for what mattered most was that I was focusing on God. And I'm glad when in the later verses, Jesus said again: "Follow Me."
God is not really an option to choose from to solve our problems, a genie we rub from a lamp to our troubles, but He IS the One and Only Truth, the Way and the Light. The living Water, and the Living bread, whom willed for me to believe in Him. All it took was whether I believed.
And I believe.
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